Hookers, Hookers, Hookers is the 4th episode of season 8. It aired on October 11, 2010.
Lyndsey and Eldridge move into Charlie's house after Alan burns down their home.
After moving into Charlie's house, Lyndsey, Alan, Jake and Eldridge face that they have lost everything with the house fire. Charlie makes fun of them, but forgets his cellphone in the ruin. Going there to get it he meets Lyndsey's ex-husband Chris McElroy (Judd Nelson). Later, they are joined by Herb, pizza boy Gordon and Alan. Lyndsey comes to get Alan but ends up going for coffee with Chris. Gordon has to get back to work, Herb has to leave after Judith's call, Charlie returns to his home with a deaf hooker and Alan is left alone in the roof-less ruin.
Charlie: So, Alan's, like, I don't know, five, six years old and I walk on his bedroom and he's in there with the dog, and I start yelling, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no! Are you crazy?! Stop that!" Looks up at me and he says, "What?" I say "Alan, the dog is supposed to lick the peanut butter off you."
Charlie: To this day, I can't eat peanut butter.
Charlie: Hey, we were just talking about you.
Alan: All good, I hope.
Gordon: Oh, yeah, it was good.
Alan: So, what's going on?
Charlie: Just having a drink with a few friends. Chris, I believe you know my brother, The man who's banging your wife and burned down your house.
Charlie: Pull up a chair. Have a drink with your girlfriend's ex and your wife's new husband.
Gordon: I just brought the pizza. I don't think I've slept with anyone you know.
Charlie: Hey, you know what I just realized? You three guys have all slept with each other.
Herb: With all due respect, Charlie, I think I'd remember that.
Charlie: No, no, think about it. They say that when you have sex with someone, you're basically having sex with anyone they've ever had sex with.
Herb: Oh. I guess you and I have done the dirty deed. because of Judith, not the peanut butter dog.
Alan: You told them?!
Charlie: I tell everybody.
Gordon: Wait. So Herb has slept with Alan, and Alan has slept with Chris, which means that...
Lyndsey: Alan, is that you? Who's Herb? Where are you?
Alan: I'm in our house.
Lyndsey: What are you doing there?
Alan: Because there's nowhere else for me to go 'cause you won't forgive me. Why won't you forgive me?
Lyndsey: You're drunk.
Alan: Yeah, well, you farted at me.
Lyndsey: Good-bye, Alan.
Eldridge: Where's Jake?
Lyndsey: He left hours ago, to get away from you.
Eldridge: Where's Alan?
Lyndsey: He left to get away from me.
Lyndsey: Where's what's-his-name, The guy who owns the house?
Lyndsey: He left to get away from all of us.
Eldridge: Hey, this is working out pretty good, huh?
(At Lyndsey's House)
Charlie: You know, I envy you guys. You're all been married, have kids. Yeah, it didn't end well, but for a moment in time, each and every one of you experienced what it is to have a family, to give and receive unconditional love.
Herb: My marriage isn 't over.
Chris: Dude, you're been taking out the garbage for two-and-a-half hours.
Herb: I said it wasn't over, I didn't say it was good.
Alan: Really, Charlie, you envy us?
Charlie: Oh, come on, look at me. What do I have? A big house on the beach, more money then I know what to do with... And a cell phone full of candid video for me having uninhibited sex with beautiful women whose name I didn't remember. (Chuckles)
Herb (quietly): I don't think he envies us at all.
Alan: Good catch, Herb.
Chris: I gotta go pee.
Alan: Oh, uh, bathroom's right back there.
Chris: I know where it is! I used to live here.
Alan: Right, right.
Charlie: That's a classy guy. Using the toilet in a house with no plumbing.
Herb: Where have you been going?
Charlie: Refrigerator. I filled the vegetable crisper.
Herb: See? That's what I love about you, Charlie. You're a maverick. I gotta start being more mavericks-ky.
Judith (off-screen): Herb, where the hell are you?
Herb: Maybe tomorrow. Hey, Lyndsey, you'll never guess what we figured out about you and me.
Judith (off-screen): Herb!
Herb: See ya soon.
Lyndsey: Alan, let's go home.
Alan: You came to get me?
Alan: You forgive me?
Lyndsey: Well, I thought about it and...
Chris(off-screen): Hey, Lyndsey.
Lyndsey: Chris. What are you doing here?
Chris: Well, I came to see the damage and I just started thinking about us. What an idiot I was.
Lyndsey: You were, you know?
Chris: I'd give anything to start over.
Alan: Uh, excuse me, but weren't you about to forgive me?
Chris: Can we go out someplace and have a cup of coffee and maybe, I don't know, just talk?
Alan (coughs): Babysitter.
Lyndsey: Well, I guess. there's nothing wrong with talking.
Chris: That's great. I can't tell you how much I've missed you and Eldridge.
Lyndsey: He really needs a father, Chris.
Alan: Uh, so I'll see you back at the house, right? She left her kid there; she's gotta come back.
Charlie: Would you come back for that kid?
Alan: She's never coming back.
Title quotation from
Charlie, checking his phone book for a silent hooker.