This Unblessed Biscuit
Chuck Lorre & Jim Patterson (story)
Don Reo, Matt Ross & Matt Searle (teleplay
Edie McLurg - Helen
Kimberly Hebert-Gregory - Lisa Jennifer Chang - Colleen
This Unblessed Biscuit is the 3rd episode of Season 11. It aired on October 10, 2013.
Walden and Alan think it may be time for Berta to retire when she injures her back at work.
Plot Walden is busy working and Alan, as his assistant, is asking petty and useless questions, disturbing his focus.
Walden goes upstairs to find Berta laying on his bed, Berta claims she threw out her back, and claims she's never felt that since that one time in Sturgis, when she and a couple of bikers got naked and took acid. Walden calls for Alan's opinion on her back, Alan suggests bed rest and an ice pack. He wants to check her back, but she refuses. Walden plans to call a doctor for which
Alan says, they'll only give her prescription drugs, which Berta agrees to, The following day, Walden returns to the bedroom to discover that Berta took 2 weeks worth of muscle relaxers and smoked some of Walden's pot in a box labeled 'Not Pot'. Walden makes a remark about Alan wearing Boys Husky underwear. and discusses Berta. They offer her retirement, but she gets offended and quits. The men try out getting a replacement, the first maid Helen was a great maid, but was very religious, believing that Walden and Alan are a gay couple, and during grace, prays that they change their ways or burn in hell. The next maid, Colleen does a good job too, but happens to have 4 guns and a shank in her bag, for which Walden begs Alan to tell her that she's fired, because Walden is too afraid to do it himself. Then they interview a black woman for the position, only to find out she's a paranoid schizophrenic who sees everything as being racist.
Alan talks Walden into apologizing to Berta. They agree, and have Alan do some housework as a topless maid in the end.
Kimberly Hebert-Gregory as Lisa
Jennifer Chang as Colleen.
Title quotation from
Alan, asking if he could eat the (unblessed) biscuit, before they are about to say grace.
Walden: Our old maid would clean and cook for us, are you comfortable doing those things? Lisa: Yes, what would you like me to cook? Walden: Well, for breakfast I like pancakes. Lisa: Of course. You see an African American woman and the first thing you think is, “Ain’t yo mamma gon’ whip us some flapjacks? Walden and Alan: No!! Lisa: You going to ask me to bring my own bandana or y'all gonna supply me with one? Walden and Alan: We just like pancakes, nothing like that, you can make waffles instead. Lisa: CHICKEN AND WAFFLES?! Walden and Alan: No!!
Two and a Half Men
Pilot • Big Flappy Bastards • Go East On Sunset Until You Reach The Gates Of Hell • If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going To Take A Nap • The Last Thing You Want To Do Is Wind Up With A Hump • Did You Check With The Captain Of The Flying Monkeys? • If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake • Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without A Snoot-ful • Phase One, Complete • Merry Thanksgiving • Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor • Camel Filters And Pheromones • Sarah Like Puny Alan • I Can't Afford Hyenas • Round One To The Hot Crazy Chick • That Was Saliva, Alan • Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats • An Old Flame With A New Wick • I Remember The Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You • Hey, I Can Pee Outside In The Dark • No Sniffing, No Wowing • My Doctor Has A Cow Puppet • Just Like Buffalo • Can You Feel My Finger?
Back Off, Mary Poppins • Enjoy Those Garlic Balls • A Bag Full of Jawea • Go Get Mommy's Bra • Bad News from the Clinic • The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance • A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana • Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers • Yes, Monsignor • The Salmon Under My Sweater • Last Chance to See Those Tattoos • A Lungful of Alan • Zejdz z Moich Wlosów a.k.a. Get Off My Hair • Those Big Pink Things With Coconuts • Smell the Umbrella Stand • Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth? • Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam! • It Was Mame, Mom • A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise • I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey • A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On • That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother • Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab • Does This Smell Funny to You?
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Large Birds, Spiders and Mom • Media Room Slash Dungeon • Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo • City of Great Racks • Putting Swim Fins on a Cat • Help Daddy Find His Toenail • The Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room • Is There a Mrs. Waffles? • Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids • Kinda Like Necrophilia • Meander to Your Dander • A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh • The Soil is Moist • Winky-Dink Time • Rough Night in Hump Junction • Look at Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty • Fish in a Drawer • If My Hole Could Talk • Waiting for the Right Snapper
Taterhead is Our Love Child • Pie Hole, Herb • Damn You, Eggs Benedict • The Flavin' and the Mavin' • A Jock Strap In Hell • It's Always Nazi Week • Best H.O. Money Can Buy • Pinocchio's Mouth • The Mooch At The Boo • He Smelled The Ham, He Got Excited • The Devil's Lube • Thank God for Scoliosis • I Think You Offended Don • David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie • I'd Like to Start with the Cat • She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime • The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'? • My Son's Enormous Head • The Two Finger Rule • Hello, I am Alan Cousteau • Above Exalted Cyclops • Sir Lancelot's Litter Box • Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth • Baseball Was Better With Steroids
818-jklpuzo • Whipped Unto The Third Generation • Mmm, fish. Yum. • Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator • For The Sake of The Child • Give Me Your Thumb • Untainted by Filth • Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle. • Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair • That's Why They Call It "Ball Room" • Warning, It's Dirty • Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste • Yay, No Polyps! • Crude and Uncalled For • Aye, Aye, Captain Douche • Tinkle Like a Princess • I Found Your Moustache • Ixnay On The Oggie Day • Keith Moon Is Vomiting In His Grave • I Called Him Magoo • Gumby with a Pokey • This Is Not Gonna End Well
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I Changed My Mind About the Milk • A Big Bag of Dog • Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt • You Do Know What The Lollipop Is For • That's Not What They Call It In Amsterdam • Ferrets, Attack! • Avoid The Chinese Mustard • Something My Gynecologist Said • I Scream When I Pee • One Nut Johnson • Give Santa a Tail-Hole • Welcome to Alancrest • Grab A Feather And Get In Line • Run, Steven Staven! Run! • Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It • Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby • Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries • The 9:04 From Pemberton • Big Episode. Someone Stole A Spoon • Bazinga! That's From a TV Show • Another Night With Neil Diamond • My Bodacious Vidalia • Cows, Prepare to be Tipped
Nangnangnangnang • I Think I Banged Lucille Ball • This Unblessed Biscuit • Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank • Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003 • Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants • Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie • Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room. • Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer • On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer! • Tazed In The Lady Nuts • Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball. • Bite Me, Supreme Court • Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe • Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin • How to Get Rid of Alan Harper • Welcome Home, Jake • West Side Story • Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang • Lotta Delis in Little Armenia • Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot • Oh, Wald-e, Good Times Ahead
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